Okay...I am confused and so I am turning to my friends who have been in the community for much longer than I. If someone is so detrimental to the well being of subs and has a long line of broken subs he has broken into peices,why in the HELL is he still respected and accepted into the local community where he can fish for more subs to destroy???? I thought we were supposed to protect each other and help each other grow, not support the ones we tell new subs to stay away from. PLEASE PLEASE tell me as I am a new sub and have NO interest is being amongst the local scene if this is what we do.Thank You :)

What You Took Away From Me

In a very short period of time and during what felt like a whirlwind of emotion you made promises and preyed upon my vulnerability and took what little was left of me.

you took my confidence, you took my ability to call anyone Sir and took their joy of being respected by me away. you took the fun and love of being submissive and you took my passion for being a submissive and destroyed it. you took my ability to want away and my trust in others you shattered. you lied, you manipulated me, you made me feel special and then dropped me off of that high and tore me down.That is what you did to me.........

and this is what I am going to do to you..........I am going to take your power away and believe in myself again. I am going take you off my mind knowing that thoughts of you are a waste of time. I am not going to hear your voice in my head anymore because it has nothing worthwhile to say. I am going to remember how you manipulated me so that I don't repeat my mistakes. I am going to learn from my pain and become a stronger,better submissive and person and I am not going to let you scar my life or mind. I am going to find my ONE and be happy. you were a bump in my life's path and you have been flattened.

I am also going to thank you for making me a stronger, smarter worthwhile person by treating me so poorly.

 you had the chance to have everything I am, to own the very core of me, but instead you made me realize the difference between you and You which is why He will receive everything you could only ever dream of, Me

Slightly Masochistic or Very Masochistic?

I am not one for pain , I have a low tolerance .....or at least I thought I did. Since I began learning more about my submissive self I have been very curious about how a flogger would feel across my back or ass or how badly does it really hurt to be paddled or spanked.I have seen numerous pictures of people after a good flogging or whipping and I have watched people being paddled in the past. It never really interested me at all. As a matter of fact. it was yet another limit I had on my long list of no's when I first began.

Fortunately for me, I have been lucky enough to have experienced some flogging and paddling recently. The intensity was not full on,however, even at the level it was, I was surprised with myself at how I reacted and felt during and after. I believe that a flogger, crop and paddle were used and I must say that with every strike I felt myself become more aroused and at one point I stopped feeling the strikes in a way until His use of me was over, of which, I believe I enjoyed much more because of His treatment of me and the spankings.

When He had used me to His content I looked at the marks left behind and shockingly I was very proud of them. I am still trying to understand why I enjoyed this and why I am craving more. On one hand I am glad that I am discovering something new,however, on the other hand I cannot help but wonder what kind of person does that make me??? That I enjoy being hurt? That I get off to being flogged?? I never thought it would EVER be something I would enjoy even in its least amount of intensity.

Now.....I need to find my tolerance level for pain.

A Bittersweet Meet

Journal Entry | less than a minute ago

I had my second playtime with Sir today and once again simply saying that it was amazing is an understatement. I learned today that I love cumming for Him and exactly how intense that can be. My Sir was rough with me and certainly degraded me for His pleasure. I hate that we did not have the whole day,however, I will take what face to face time I can get.

Having said that, He will be relocating to another state soon for work,so, this is looking as though it will be a LDR with frequent traveling I hope. Long distance relationships are hard and I am not very happy about the situation. He has told me that things/restrictions/rules will be amended and commitments made before He leaves. I like the commitments part. :)

Thank You Sir for a wonderful morning..........

Your fuck toy

My First Play Time With Sir

My First Play Time With Sir

Journal Entry | 1 Loves It | about 2 hours ago

I have now experienced my first face to face play time with Sir.....

Sir and I do not live close to each other at all....there is about an hour's drive time between the two different towns that we live in and so we decided to meet in the middle, eat lunch with friends and then get a room.

My nerves were working overtime and I found that on my way to meet Him and our friends for lunch, I was having to take several deep breathes, my hands were trembling and I can't even put into words how my stomach was feeling.

Once I had arrived at the restaurant, walked in and saw Him sitting at a table in the corner of the dining area, I did relax a little. He has the ability to reassure me by simply being there and I did need reassuring at that moment.I have never considered myself to be shy or timid in any way,however, during the course of lunch I found it difficult to make eye contact with Him or for that matter our friend's Dom.

Once lunch was over and we said our goodbye's to our friends, it was time to find out if BDSM was what I really liked or if it has only been the fantasy of it all that has kept my attention.

We entered the room and I watched Him close the curtains and prepare Himself to speak with me. He came to me and wrapped His arms around me and reassured me that everything would be fine and that I was safe. I immediately relaxed a great deal at that point. He had me kneel before Him as He sat on the bed and He began to tell me exactly what He had planned to do to me while we were together and made sure I had remembered my safe word. I agreed with everything, proved to Him that I knew my safe word and then He began using me for His pleasure.

The first step was stripping in front of Him down to my panties.This was uncomfortable since it was the first time I had been nude in front of Him and He enjoyed my uneasiness.He inspected me as He would inspect a horse before purchasing it. This added to my humiliation of standing there naked. Sir bent me over the bed and ripped my panties off of me.

He roughly directed my body into the position and place that He wished for me to be in by using my hair to guide my body and and His hands and legs to pin me down. After some play for His pleasure I was ordered to remove His boots. He fucked me and He fucked me hard and I loved every second of it. I was ordered on my knees,on all fours, on the floor on my back, on my stomach etc.....I am sure you get the picture. My ass and face were slapped, with my ass being left with a hand print on it and very red and the humiliating names He called me and made me call myself were amazing.

Sir used my mouth and throat to please Himself many times and enjoyed when I gagged and grasped for air in between uses.He inserted my anal plug for a bit and told me what a whore I was.

The entire day was amazing and I am so glad that I took the step into real time. I learned that I am EXACTLY where I want to be with regard to BDSM and the reality is a much larger turn on for me than the fantasy. As He provided aftercare.....we spoke, laid together and recounted the day. We had some discussion of where we wanted our D/s relationship to go. We showered and then parted ways.

I was on cloud nine and high on adrenaline until the next morning and then I was in pain........but it was a wonderful pain. My entire body, inside and out was hurting, my throat was very sore and my voice was hoarse and I was enjoying it......it served as the perfect reminder for me that I had pleased my Sir and that was the most important part. :)

THANK YOU SIR

It Has Been A While.............




It has been a while and many thing have happened since I last posted here. The first face to face meeting that I had went very well. Sir and I clicked and had an easy time talking with one another. We played a bit,but, not too much....it really was perfect. I did not have a problem falling into my submissive role with Him. Since then the tasks that HE has set for me to accomplish everyday have a new meaning for me. They seem more important now and His disappointment in any failure that I may have would upset me at a deeper level now.

I have increased the number of times I call Him during the day because I feel more comfortable now, even though I still become tongue tied when He makes any sexual comments during the course of our conversation. He has set tomorrow as our first play session together and I am certainly not ashamed to admit that I am nervous and terrified however, very excited. I cannot even put into words the vast amount of emotions that are going through my head and body right now. There are so many things that I could do wrong or I could completely displease Him. Of course I could also be face to face with all of my fantasies and realize I do not want to live them out in real time or I could get there and absolutely know that this is exactly what I have been dreaming about. It is a lot to imagine.

We are having lunch with a submissive friend of mine and Her Daddy prior to playing and I am hoping that I will be able to eat something. I know that I should eat something before we play.

I was not this nervous before our first meet and I am not sure why this time is effecting me so much more. I am going to try to relax and have fun and do my absolute best to please Him.

Humiliation and A Face to Face Meeting is Set

My task for Wednesday was more humiliating than I though it woul dbe and I did try to find a way out of having to complete it. Not to my surprise,however, much to my dismay....I was not able to wiggle my way out of the task and so I unhappily completed it.

The assignment involved walking around my house and finding different objects to pleasure myself with. Then I was to use them, orgasm and take photos. The only part that was changed was the orgasm,due to the fact that I have been placed on restriction from orgasms now and I am allowed one a week,but, must receive permission first.

At first glance the assignment seems to be doable,however, as I walked around looking for things I became embarassed at the thought of showing Sir what I would come up with and then showing Him via pictures how I enjoyed them. It was very humiliating while preparing for it and during the completion of the task. Once it was all said and done and I had sent the pics I did become aroused,but, I don't think I was turned on by the assignment as much as the fact the Sir forced me to do it even though I did not want to.

Another Assignment :)

Good Morning Sir,

 I am nothing more than a dirty whore that does nothing but pathetically crave the need to be fucked. Being the whore that I am I do not deserve the honor of being fucked or used by You or men like You, Your time would be wasted on this pathetically nasty slut and I am not worth the trouble of being considered as a usable fuck toy.

I am a disobedient bitch whose filthy cunt is always wet with the desire to be used and I would take any cock at any time.Llike a bitch in heat I would take any use that is offered to my pathetic pussy, however, because I am a such a worthless dirty whore  I am undeserving of any time or attention from You or any other man like You.

Wonton and desperate I would keep my legs apart and my filthy cunt available for any attention,but, i would receive none because I am an undeserving pathetic whore that has no right to even beg to be used by You. You would pass me by simply laughing at my  begging and pleading for just the least bit of sexual attention and You would see what a needy bitch I am. I am Filthy and undeserving of being a fucktoy for Your pleasure.

This was my task for today.....I had to write an email to my Sir and tell Him how much of a slut I am. I then had to call Him at His desk and read it out loud to Him. He had me repeat this sentence three times "I am a disobedient bitch whose filthy cunt is always wet with the desire to be used and I would take any cock at any time."

Tomorrow I am to go on a hunt for unusual and creative things to pleasure myself with. 

Tuesday's Task - Humiliation

Tuesday's are dedicated to my humiliation for His amusement. My place is to be whatever He wants or needs from me and that may sometimes mean degrading myself for Him.

I was ordered to wake up and insert my anal plug first thing. I was ordered to write upon my freshly shaved cunt the words "fuck toy".( I am beginning to enjoy labeling myself for Sir.) I did so and I was ordered to leave the house and run some errands for an hour,however, my R/L schedule did not permit me to leave the house as I had company visiting today. As I sat in my living room entertaining guests, I felt my plug enter my ass further and further. This kept my mind on how humiliating it was to sit in front of friends labeled, plugged and sexually controlled by another person. My secret and the fact that I had one that I only shared with one other person was incredibly arousing. When the hour was almost up I began feeling uncomfortable with the plug and I began to feel some pain. I was glad to remove it was time. While in the bathroom removing the plug I took a photo of my marked cunt and sent it to Sir as He had ordered me to do. Actually I took several pictures as I felt proud of myself for having completed my task. I have not heard back from Him yet and so I do not know if He is pleased, I can only hope that He is.

Monday's Task - To Serve

Monday's tasks are intended to teach me how to serve Sir. I am being taught that a submissive's job is to serve her Master/Sir and while being ready for Him sexually at all times, there are also other ways to please/serve Him. I was assigned a cleaning task that would take 40 minutes and I could choose which room to clean in my house.I chose my guest bathroom. On His orders I stripped naked and attached my nipple clamps. I began by cleaning the counters because once I began cleaning the floors on my hands and knees I was not allowed to stand up again until my task was completed. I cleaned the sink, counter and mirror and I honestly did begin to feel submissive. My RL was being pushed into the back of my mind and I began to focus on serving my Sir and doing it to His satisfaction. By the time I had completed the counter/sink and mirror I had entered His world in my mind. I lowered myself to my hands and knees and imagined Him standing behind me watching my every move to ensure that I was doing exactly as He had ordered.

I scrubbed the floor, the base of the tub and the toilet area. I thought of what I was doing, following Sir's orders to clean His bathroom while exposed and vulnerable in the nude. I was most certainly turned on at what I was doing. I cleaned the toilet to perfection and then the bathtub. Upon completion of my cleaning I was to lay on the floor, on my back and masturbate while knowing that I was the "filthiest thing in that room" since I had cleaned it so well. I did not have permission to cum and so I did not, however, I did sit on the edge of an orgasm for a short time.

I had given up my mind and body for those 40 minutes in service to Him and when I had come back to reality I was energized and very ready to send the pics I had taken and my report to Sir.

I have heard it said so many times that online tasks and assignments cannot possibly feel real and I MUST disagree. I leave my world of decision making and stress and enter His where I am a submissive woman and I love it there. There I am at peace and feel safe. Sir is local and so we will have a first meeting, however, even  if we did not my submission to Him would feel very real.

The Schedule- Thursday

My scheduled task for Thursday was to strip naked , get on my hands and knees and alternate rubbing my clit with spanking my ass, tits and pussy with a wooden spoon for no less than 15 minutes.

Pain has not really been something that I have experienced a lot of and being that it was going to have to be self induced, I was not sure how effective it was going to be or even how much I would enjoy or not enjoy pain.

I began and as I reached the edge of an orgasm I spanked my ass with that spoon and I must say I was thrilled with my response. I repeated this as I alternated where I was spanking myself and before I knew it I was dripping wet and wanting desperately to cum,however, it was not in my instructions to do so.

When i had finished my task I took pics for Sir and when I looked at them I saw that I had spanked myself fairly hard as my tits had marks and bruises on them and my ass was too sore to sit on for a bit.

Lesson learned? I enjoy pain! thoroughly. I am so excited that I have learned yet another thing associated with BDSM that i enjoy. Now i just need to find my tolerance level for pain. :)

A New Journey Begins.....

Change, change, change......I really do not adapt to change very well, especially when it comes to a "changing of the guard", so to speak. I was the student in school who hated it when her teacher was out and a substitute was present. I never felt as though the substitute teacher did things the same way and it bothered me. One of my quirks, I suppose.

Master is still away and we are still thinking that it may be December before He returns. In the meantime, He has agreed to allow a Dom, who is now my Sir, to have control of my orgasms and submission . The transition from one to the other has really not been as difficult as I thought it would be. Their philosophies about discipline and a submissive's place are the same although, I have noticed that Sir does not have the "Daddy" component in His personality as Master does. I am glad though,because it gives me an opportunity to be trained in a different manner which I believe will broaden my horizons. This transition is the easier of the two.

The second transition that I find myself faced with is the move from on-line to real life. Not as easy as becoming   acclimated to a new Sir. My Sir is local and my Master has said that it is a good thing and that He believes it would be very beneficial for me to meet with Sir eventually and have real life experiences. I know that He is right. When I first began my journey, I had to become comfortable within myself to type sexual things that I felt or wanted to say to another person and now I have no problem with typing anything really. Sir has had me speak with Him on the phone and just as I had to become used to typing, I am having to become used to actually saying the sexual words out loud to Him. It is almost like starting over. Although I was really nervous the first time Sir had me call Him,I am glad we spoke. I am becoming more comfortable and my first orgasm via the phone was amazing. I loved begging Him for release and hearing myself say what He was ordering me to say.

Sir has me on a daily schedule that consists of tasks that are intended to remind me of my place, to teach me how to serve Him and of course, to pleasure and amuse Him. Some of the tasks I have done before and some I am not happy about having to do, but, that is part of His pleasure......making me do things I do not want to do. Nothing on my schedule is beyond my capabilities or pushes any hard limits and so I must find a way to get them done for Him. I begin tomorrow and I hope that I will be able to please Him and make my Master very proud of me.

I will blog about the tasks as I complete them for the first time.

BT

Why I Am Submissive


I am sexually submissive because in my everyday life I am not. As with everyone else, my life requires me to make difficult decisions, handle stressful situations  and receive little down time. I want a period of time in my day to consist of completely giving control of my body,mind and soul to my Daddy/Master, even if only for a small while. To submit to Him relaxes me, almost centers me, reminds me of who I am when I am with Him and how safe I feel under His control.

I need not ever worry when He takes control, I do not have to make decisions or make choices, I can simply enjoy serving and pleasing Him and be reminded of how much I love being a submissive woman.

Another Important Lesson

Another Important Lesson

Journal Entry | less than a minute ago

My Master/Daddy had returned home for the weekend (in the UK) and He had time to spend with me. :) He had assigned to me two tasks, both of which involved creating a video for Him. With it being a holiday weekend, the assignments would have to wait to be completed on Monday in the morning and Master was fine with that, although He ordered me not to touch myself at all until they were done(this is a common order from Him) and He had them. Here is where I made a huge mistake........
I completed one video and sent it and I was going to complete the second one the next day. I was having a real problem with not being able to touch myself .....it must have been a lapse in sanity,but, in the shower I broke my rules and too make it worse I had an orgasm.
I told Master what I had done and I could not completely understand why He reacted so strongly. He was very angry and said that I had disrespected Him and that He was wondering what I had even learned over the last ceveral months of training. I knew that I was wrong,but, I really thought He was overreacting a bit. Then, last night, I sat down and really read what He had said to me via email all day and how He explained (angrily and with a lot of exclamation points) what I had done and why it was wrong.
It was an ah-ha moment in that I finally realized that I had put my needs before His and THAT was what He was so angry about. I had not seen it that way, I had thought I simply broke a rule, but, I had not, I had disrespected Him and had done something quite serious. Needless to say I am still apologizing and awaiting my consequences.I have learned yet another very important lesson.

A Difficult time

Master and I are not in constant communication like we have been over the past 4 months. He has had a family emergency which has taken Him away from His home for an extended period of time. He has extended certain permissions to me. He explained that since He does not know when He will return it would not be fair of Him to ask me to wait with all of my restrictions in place. I understand and appreciate His consideration,however, I do not want the freedoms. I am comfortable with and used to Him. My problem is that my need to submit does not fade because my Master is not available. I will, however, wait for His return and probably not utilize my freedom. It is going to be a long wait I am afraid. :(

One step closer......

The first time that I received a serious punishment from my Master and I was required to do something I truly did not want to do, my overall reaction before during and after concerned Him to the point that He felt that perhaps sexual submission was not for me. I spent a lot of time thinking about what Master had said and evaluating what made me react with such anger and hurt feelings. I came to the conclusion that the punishment that was assigned to me had included being completely naked in front of Him for the first time and that was the humiliating factor that created my reaction. At no point did I ever become aroused with any part of the punishment and this was His main concern. We spent a few days thinking about the next step and if we should continue. We decided to put things back together and I am very glad that we did.

I have recently been punished again  for cumming without permission and I now understand why my Master had been so concerned before. My reaction this time was very different. The punishment was just as humiliating or perhaps even more humiliating as the last,however, this time I was aroused at what I was being forced to do in order to redeem myself. I was still angry with what He was making me do,but, it was different this time. I was aroused with the humiliation and embarrassment.

I am hoping that this experience means that I am moving closer to understanding and becoming sexually submissive. I know that I feel like I have taken another step and I am glad that I did not give up or that He did not give up on me. Thank you Master.

Anoher Lesson Learned

When I began exploring the possibility of having a submissive side to myself, I knew what the definition via Webster's Dictionary was ,however, I did not know the definition or meaning of being a submissive female. I thought that I did, as a matter of fact I was almost positive that I knew. After almost three months of learning how to submit to my Master in order to please Him, I now realize I had no idea. Submission is not what I had thought that it was.....a game, role play or simply a bit of fun for a short time. No, my preconceived notions were wrong and I am very glad that they were. I have learned not only the physical actions of becoming submissive, but also the feeling of becoming submissive. A feeling of change within myself and honest enjoyment of having my Master own my sexuality. I almost lost my Master over a feeling of anger within myself that I misunderstood. I was angry to be forced to show Him something that I did not want to show Him and in turn He felt as though He had hurt me and that maybe submission was not what I really needed or wanted. The few days that He asked me to take to consider my position were long and hard, however, in that brief period of time that He no longer owned my sexuality, I realized that I needed Him to control it for me.  I felt lost and unsatisfied without him at the helm. Guiding me and instructing me. Do I think that this means I am weak or unbalanced? No, quite the opposite...I think that it shows that I am strong enough and balanced enough to admit I need and indeed LOVE the sexual control I have given Him. For every time I please Him I am also pleased. My Master has worked so hard to find what I like or do not like and I am so grateful to have met Him. I feel that my road to total submission will be long and have many ups and downs, however, I feel that I am making progress and that what I have learned thus far has made me very glad that I began this journey and that I did not give up.

My New Task

I have been assigned a new task by Master and I have been ordered to explain the task in my blog. Each time I feel as though I would like to play with myself, I am to go to my corner. I am ordered to place my nose in the corner, pull my panties down to my knees, stand on my tip toes and masturbate myself to the edge of an orgasm and stop. No matter day or night, whenever I feel the urge this is what I must do. I also must admit, embarrassingly, I am enjoying this task.

Transition

I have been told to keep a sex diary for Master so that He can look back on the dates and see how long He has denied me an orgasm. As I was putting the events of the last month together on paper and in chronological order I went back and looked at how things had developed. I was amazed to see that I was so completely against submitting to anyone in the beginning, however, over time I could see where and why I had decided to move into that direction with Sir. I was  not tricked, pushed or convinced to do anything. I was spoken to about fetishes I had and He experimented with me a bit. With each step  a clear question was asked of me. Did I want to continue, stop or ask Him for anything that I may need? I never once was asked to provide or do anything I had not asked for (or even begged for).  To be treated in this manner seems to natural. I am pleased to continue to move forward with Him. I have been learning many things about being submissive and some of my preconceived notions were very wrong and have since been corrected. Since my last blag I have manged to earn yet another punishment. I was made to clean my windows completely naked and in plain view of passer by's. I will learn quickly to watch my tone and mouth as they seem to be getting me into trouble. I have to teach myself not to question Sir when given an order or when I am asked to give Him an answer.

I have also been praised frequently for things that I have done to please Master. I have found that when He is pleased I am proud of myself. I have begun to feel a transition occur. One that is similar to the "changing of the guards". Control of my sexual life is being transferred to Him. Slowly, but, powerfully. I have given to Him everything that He has as far as my submission is concerned. I have not been asked or pushed into doing anything that I feel uncomfortable about. I have however had to do things I did not want to do, but, nothing outrageous. No naked pics were required within the first 24 hours. Cam has not been forced on me. Things have moved in the right direction at the perfect pace.

I am looking forward to the coming days/weeks with Him. Some of my restrictions/rules are listed below........

*I am on "no touch" right now. (of course it is due to my curtness with Master)
*I am required to email Master each time I wet my panties and I am to ask for His forgiveness
*I must share with Him any and all links to erotic stories,photos or videos that I find arousing (no matter how embarrassing they may be to me)
*I am to email Master and thank Him for His treatment of me
*I am required to mind my manners and tone at ALL times.
*I am to follow His orders at ALL times. I may express to Him how I feel, however, depending upon the circumstances it may be seen as being rude and Master will not tolerate rudeness.
* I am required to send him pics of myself while I am aroused and report to Him via email how I am feeling sexually.

These are just a few basic guidelines. Master is strict and firm,however, He is also kind and caring and I am very happy to have the chance to serve Him.